Holy crap. I’m getting married this weekend.
Repeatedly people have asked me if I’m “nervous” or “excited” yet. At first, these kind of bugged me because 1) for some reason I resent girly excitement over such matters and 2) I’m so ridiculously sure that this is right that I have no worries.
But as we get closer and closer, there’s this anxiety that seems to have come over my heart (and my stomach). It’s not that I’m nervous about marrying Daniel at all, but rather that I’m on the cusp of a monumental event that I’ve spent months working on down to the most minute details, and it’s all going to come and go like any usual day. It’s not that I’m sad about it, I just can’t help but feel like all of this energy is about to explode and the explosion will be met with a haze on my part. That’s all anyone says about their wedding day–it flies by, it’s a fog, it’s overwhelming, and then it’s over.
As you may have picked up from my previous blogs, I tend to be pretty introspective on major events in my life. I catalog them in my brain as they’re happening so that, when it comes time to remember them, I can recall them as if they were written in one of the books on my shelf. So many major things have happened to me lately that it’s almost too much comprehend.
Yesterday, Daniel went to get our rings cleaned for the wedding and surprised me with a Pandora bracelet. In the letter he wrote me, he included that he didn’t want me “to look on the past and think of the beautiful shirts that could have been.” Obviously, this Great Gatsby reference left me crying for more than a couple of reasons, because in a way, he’s completely my Gatsby (minus the creepy stalker factor), and the bittersweet idea that he thought I might feel like I missed out on something. I’m about to cry just thinking about it.
It’s safe to say that Daniel and I have been together a very long time, and people have come and gone out of our lives repeatedly, but he’s been there for everything. The charms on my bracelet included a house, for our home, a lab, for our Moose-puppy, a ring for our upcoming wedding, and an amethyst spacer for my birthday. He’s been there for all of these major things (aside from my birth) and I couldn’t help but think about how this is it! I truly plan to only do this once and he’s the one I’m going to take with me for every major event I tackle for the rest of my life. He told me that they have little baby charms and all kinds of things so we can just document it as we go. Silly, to get so sentimental over a charm bracelet, but I can’t not focus on the weight of our commitment. It’s almost scary, I’d say.
I think about this sometimes when I’m at home, and I look around and I love my house. I picture kids there, another puppy maybe, a new backyard full of plants. And then it dons on me that this may just be a small step in my otherwise huge life. We could be transferred to Houston in the next couple of years, and my future children will be shocked when they learn that we ever even lived in Oklahoma.
That’s how I feel about this wedding. It’s just a regular day, obviously my day, but a Sunday in May nonetheless. It’s seemed so huge, so permanent throughout this whole process and been in the back of my mind nearly every moment of the last year, and I’m coming to realize that it, like my home, may just be a temporary blip in my life. One out of a collection of thousands of days that make up my experiences, and it will be a great one, at that, but it’s going to come and go like all the days leading up to it have come and gone. Life is so big, and it’s scary and exciting and absolutely amazing. I just never want to forget any single part of it.
I’m welcoming my BIG day with open arms a little twinge of sadness as I watch it disappear into the past, but I’m looking so very forward to spending all the rest of my life’s big moments with Daniel. And what an amazing life it will be.