When I was a teenager, I kept a blog on Xanga (along with just about everyone I knew). It was kaleigh_the_fallen_leaf. Unbeknownst to most, I had a couple of other blogs as well for my more “personal” thoughts. This is hilarious in retrospect because as I read all the things we wrote when we thought we were adults, it’s riddled with drama and sadness and an occasional moment of depth. I’m kind of fascinated by this version of me and elated that I have an essential “time capsule” where I can keep her. We’ve covered this before, I believe, but here’s something I found interesting on one of my “private” xangas; Clothes_on_in_the_dark:
“she’s graduating. she’s looking at a life without her friends from highschool and only a girlfriend a million miles away for support, and she’s less afraid then i am. i’m only in the tenth grade..
I think she’s looking towards a day that I myself, despite my contempt for the town that I’ve claimed “home” along with a hundred thousand others, secretly dread. I stand at the doorstep of a relationship that will probably not last a lifetime and yet I look at him and my other friends and I think, “Are these not the people I will love forever?” and the answer is undoubtably “no” and I fear what feel as if it is unthinkable: we will all one day face life head on and we won’t be able to hold each other.
Now, I sit at the pennicle of my teenage years for I’m just barely looking at sixteen’s doorstep, and yet I know that the next two years will bring new people in and out of my life. Not only the next two years, but also the rest of my life in general. I face a lifetime of in and out friends and momentary lovers, and yet I fear losing the one’s I have now. I’m afraid of life after high school.
I think I’m afraid of life.”
How bizaar. What’s important to note here is that this was one of those posts that I knew I would refer to later, and I actually referenced it in a post as I was approaching graduation myself. And it makes me think, if I could go back and give some solice to this tenth-grade version of me, what would I tell her? So here it is, my declaration to myself.
You turn out okay. You never dye your hair purple, and that’s a good call on your part. You still struggle with your weight though, so next time you think about going on a diet, stick with it and save me the trouble.
More importantly, his feeling you’re dealing with, it will come and it will go. You’ll be sad to leave home and to start school, but starting at A&M is exciting. You’re going to A&M, by the way. You’ll be sad when you start your upper-level classes because you’ll know you’re that much closer to graduating and joining the real world. You’ll make one last desperate plea to live a different kind of life; one filled with fortune and fame and sans a desk. You’ll be to scared to move forward, so you won’t. You’ll graduate and you’ll get a good job, and you’ll be scared to move away again. You might even cry a little when your parents drop you off (because, TRUST ME, they’re going to insist on dropping you off).
But here’s the important part: you will deal with everything as it comes. You’ll learn to not worry so much, and to be okay with things. God won’t ever give you more than you can handle, and you actually believe that. Those friends that you love, you never lose them. You actually make new ones. Even the ones you lose contact with stay frozen in your heart because you’re such an introspective sixteen-year-old. You take a picture of them and you carry that with you.
Some of them you don’t lose contact with. In fact, you’re still really close with Collin and Erica, Laila, Michelle, Tracy, and Andrew, among others. You’re still in that relationship that won’t last a lifetime. You’re going to marry him next May. And he’s great. Really great. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that you guys really needed each other back then. I mean, you really NEEDED each other, and that’s why you all stayed so close. This is one of the most important times in your life, whether you know it or not. This is the point where you decide who you’re going to be one day and you start moving in that direction, taking all of who you were with you.
You’re going to discover a lot about yourself and it’s going to make you better. Everything that ever happens to you makes you better. Right now, you’re getting better, even when you think you’re getting worse.
So just try to keep in mind that it’s okay to lighten up a little and not be so weary about the future. I know it’s important to you because it’s important to me, but in the end, it’s all important. None of this is slipping away because you get to keep it with you so don’t be afraid of anything, especially not life. Your life is amazing, even the most horrible parts. And it’s beautiful.
I think that’s what I’d tell her.